im six kinds of drunk right now
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.