beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
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he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
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say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital