i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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