I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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