I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
organizing the empties. That sober.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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