the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
