When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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