My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
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The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
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I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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