Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
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