OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
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I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
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There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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