Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
