i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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