remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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