the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
