you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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