sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
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Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
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I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
why is half of my head shaved?
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