I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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