I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes