Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
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I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits