Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
