how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
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you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...