I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
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So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
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His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read