How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
