She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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