Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
