It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
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THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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