This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
