when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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