When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
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