I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
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You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
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He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬