I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
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You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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