i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
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I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
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If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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