All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
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Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
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four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill