Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
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my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
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You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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