My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.