the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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