Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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