The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
