If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
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The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
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Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.