I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous