How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
