The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize