The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
did i walk over a car last night?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
