i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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