somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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