I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
