Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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