It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
