The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
