she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
