hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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