I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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