Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
