Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
