also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
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My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
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Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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