The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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